Point them to this thread for some additional perspective.
This was posted once before, but it may agin provide some entertainment value as well as a warning..
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Dear Mr. Fat Frank:
My wife and I look forward to you providing music at our daughter's
wedding at the Taylor County Country Club this Saturday evening. We
have just been very busy and simply forgotten to provide you with a
list of songs you need to perform. Here is what we need from you.
Most any Chick Corea composition would be great, but do need you to
play "The Three Quartets, No. 1" as the guests walk in. For the
bride's mother, please go right into the piano intro to "Quartet No.
2." Keep playing it till she gets up to the altar. Also, it is a must
that you have it arranged for the full ensemble. Don't play any of the
"Electric Band" songs and make sure the drummer uses "Evans" drum
heads so his drums sound like Steve Gadd, our favorite drummer.
Now, when I walk in, please play "Birdland" (but it must be the
version from "Live"). My wife and I were at that show, and we
particularly like that version. Then you can play "Sister Cheryl" from
"Tony Williams Live in Tokyo." Now, for the song in the middle of the
Mass during the communion, we want the singer to sing Alan
Holdsworth's "Against the Clock" from his "Wardenclyffe Tower" CD. We
love this song and especially the drum solo by Vinnie Colaiuta. We
think that it's his greatest solo, although some will argue against
this. Keep repeating the drum solo till the priest tells you to stop.
However, the drummer needs to play this with brushes and no bass drum.
Next, any of John Coltrane's duets w/Pharaoh Sanders would be grand. I
understand that their use of atonality is not everyone's cup of tea,
but all of our guests LOVE high register tenor saxes. I'm sure your
trumpet player can double for one of the sax parts and save us the
expense of having two sax players.
We also thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be
nice. We particularly like the "Infernal Dance. . ." or whatever it's
called, from the Rite of Spring (second version c. 1932). If you want
to use the sheet music, that's OK. We like a tempo of about note=93
(Ozawa). A bit faster be is okay but do not play it too slow. That
would ruin it.
Next, for the "life candle" lighting ceremony, please play Frank
Zappa's "The Black Page." I know that you'll want to play it in the
original key of Bb minor, because, but my cousin Janine would like to
sing it, so you may have to play that part in another key (she majored
in voice at UCLA) on the spot. Just be prepared.
During the cocktail hour, we want some nice Keith Jarrett tunes from
his "Standards Vol. 1 and 2" and nothing else.
Now when my daughter throws the garter, could you play just a little
of Varese's "Ionization"? It's such a cool piece. We think it would go
over really well. It's much better than "The Stripper" which we
frankly find a bit too vulgar anyway.
Now, for the bride and groom's first dance, please slow things down a
bit by doing Barber's "Adagio for Strings." It's so much better than
"We've Only just Begun" or "The Anniversary Waltz." When my wife and I
join in the first dance, could you please segue to Thelonious Monk's
"Ruby, My Dear?" That's in honor of my wife's grandmother, whose name
was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family. Then, we would like to
hear some nice Mexican music while we eat dinner. We love the sound of
Los Ponchos, so any of their hits would be great. Of course, you'll
have figure a way to cover all of the percussion parts, but I'm sure
you can handle that little detail without my assistance.
Oh yes, thanks very much for all your understanding in this. We'll
certainly be happy to recommend your band to all of our friends. We
thought that $50.00 per man for 4 hours would be sufficient. So that's
$350.00 for the entire group. If you get our guests dancing, I will
even consider throwing in an extra $50.00. So, hey there's some
incentive to get 'em dancing.
Now, we want you to be set up TWO HOURS before your scheduled start
time @ 5:00 pm., and absolutely do not be late. We don't want to see
any cases, bags, coats, boxes, cables, wires, or any of that tacky
tacky and such unnecessary clutter on the stage or within view of the
guests. Play 1 1/2 hours and then take a break of no more than 10
minutes, but don't forget, to leave the guitar player or the piano
player playing while the rest of the band breaks. We just can't stop
the mood can we?
Also, absolutely no drinking! In fact, we don't even want to see the
musicians near the bar or food tables. Also, NO TALKING ON STAGE!! Go
outside quietly where no one can see you. Of course, no smoking
anywhere inside or outside. Someone will be watching you on your
breaks to make sure you don't consume any alcohol. oh and before you
leave on your break, make sure to talk to the caterer about a band tab
for any sodas if you can take outside with you during your break. You
can settle up with him in cash at the conclusion of the evening. I
believe the sodas are only $3-$4 plus the tax.
Oh, and one more thing.... and this is very important. In between
songs, we don't want to hear any of the musicians talking or making
eye contact with the guests. I don't know what you people like to call
it that, it is terribly rude and unprofessional. Actually, I strongly
feel that it is very unprofessional. You don't see the members of the
Berlin Philharmonic doing that. . . .right?
We look forward to hearing you play. Mail us your bill the week after
wedding and we'll have our accountant prepare you a check within 45
days. Thanks for taking care of these last minute finishing touches
and don't disappoint us.
Sincerely,
Mr. and Mrs. Nathan Fitzgerald Chadwick
Parents of the Bride
