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C, an E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.

The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.


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Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter. St. Peter: Hi, what’s your name? Paul: My name is Paul. St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Paul: 120K. St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money? Paul: I was a lawyer. St. Peter: That’s great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name? Roger: My name is Roger. St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Roger: 60K. St. Peter: Hey, That’s great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living? Roger: I was an accountant. St. Peter: That’s very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name? John: My name is John. St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died? John: About $23, 000. St. Peter: Hey, That’s fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

:bluewink:
 

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My favorite band director joke

Two band directors met on the street and one asked the other, "How did your concert go the other night".

The second director replied, "It went well but we nearly had a real tragedy".

The first replied, "Oh year, what happened".

The second said, "Our oboe soloist was soaking her reed in her mouth before her big solo in the second number, and she got bumped and swallowed her reed. It lodged in her throat, and she couldn't breathe. She fell off he chair onto the floor and started turning blue."

The first exclaimed, "Oh my goodness, what did you do".

The second replied, "We used a muted trumpet instead".
 

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A musician dies and goes to heaven. Standing in line before St. Peter he hears the following. "Lawyer, hmm, down these steps here, quite a long way, till it gets warm. Physician, hey, come right in, second corridor, turn left. Politician, hmm, walk down this road, keep walking downwards till it gets hot." So the musician introduces himself and St Peter says; "Trumpeter, fine, just go round the side, follow the wall, through the car park, past the dustbins, up the steps..."
 

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Definition of a String Quartet

One very good violinist
One pretty good violinist
One bad Violinist
One non-violinist
 

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Definition of a String Quartet
Four musicians who play stringed instruments each of whom thinks they are saving the group.

How you can tell the trombone player's kid on the playground? He does ok on the slide, but he doesn't know how to swing.

Do you know the difference between a school bari sax and a garbage truck? One is a scum encrusted large metal object.
The other is a sanitation vehicle.

What does a viola player use for birth control? Her personality.

Why do alto clarinet players put their cases in the back windows of their cars? So they can park in handicapped spots.

What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra? The bull has horns in the front and the a** at the back.

How can you tell there is a female singer at the front door? She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.

How can you tell its a drummer at the front door? The knocking speeds up.

How do you keep a guitar player from rushing? Give him the music.
 

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A sax player dies, as he goes through the purely gates of what he presumes is Heaven he's asked what he plays, when he replies saxophone he's told to follow the corridor, take a left, then second door on the right, as he's approaching the "second door on the right" he hears the most beautiful jazz coming from behind the door, as he enters he can hardly believe his eyes, there sitting down in the corner is Dexter Gordon, to his left is Bird, and across the room is Coltrane, Bird suddenly pipes up, come on in boy and take a pew, which of course he does but just as he starts to get in the groove with the other guy's the door bursts open and in walks the devil who says OK lady's, break times over! 1...&....2....&....3....4 Twinkle Twinkle little star............
 

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"What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.

How can you tell its a drummer at the front door? The knocking speeds up."

Being a drummer as well, classics.

Why did the drummer get fired? "Hey guys, you want to hear something I wrote?"

What do you call somebody who isn't a musician, and hits stuff? a drummer.

Variants to these I have heard, but they always make me smile!

I learned sax so I would stop getting kicked out!
 

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DEFINITIONS

A PATELLA: Accompanied by knee-slapping

APPROXIMATURA: A series of notes not intended by the composer, yet played with an "I meant to do that attitude". I think they had jazz musicians in mind with that one!

PISSICATO: Too much coffee-time for a break.

(This one is for Gary's amusement) GAUL BLATTER: A French Horn player.

BAR LINE: What musicians form after the concert.
:mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen:
 

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DEFINITIONS

A PATELLA: Accompanied by knee-slapping

APPROXIMATURA: A series of notes not intended by the composer, yet played with an "I meant to do that attitude". I think they had jazz musicians in mind with that one!

PISSICATO: Too much coffee-time for a break.

(This one is for Gary's amusement) GAUL BLATTER: A French Horn player.

BAR LINE: What musicians form after the concert.
:mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen:
Mostly I've heard all the old musician jokes, or versions thereof, but this is the first time I've heard these and I LIKE them. And it looks like a good paddock to harvest some more. More definitions anyone?
 

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A band is playing a seedy bar in Vegas. A short Italian man in a $5000 suit walks in accompianed by two burly bodyguards. One of the bodyguards walks up to the bandleader and says, "The Boss wants to hear 'Strangers in the Night' and he wants it in 5/4 time." The band fires up, the singer croons, "strangers in the f***ing night...."
 

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:mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen:

ALLREGRETTO: When you are in 16 measures into a piece and realize you took a too fast tempo.

APPOLOGGIATURA: A composition that you regret playing.

FRUGALHORN: A sensible and inexpensive brass instrument.

OPERA BUFFA: A musical stage production performed by nudists.

PLACEBO DOMINGO: A faux tenor.
 

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How do you make a trombone player's car more aerodynamic?
Take the Pizza Delivery sign off its top.
 

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How many violinists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2, but nobosy knows how the hell they caught in there.
 

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Why did Bill Clinton quit playing the sax?
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He got a *****monica. ;)
 

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A father's son showed an interest in learning to play the string bass, and so he bought him one and got him a private teacher for lessons. Following the first lesson the dad asked, "How did your lesson go?" The son replied, "It was really cool, I learned how to play the open G string. After the second lesson the father asked the same question and the son replied, "This week I learned to play the open D string". The third and fourth weeks the boy told the dad he could now play the open A and E strings. At the end of the fifth week the dad again asked what he learned in that weeks lesson. The boy replied "I'm not taking lessons any more. I've got a gig".
 

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"Welcome to Heaven, here's your woodwind. Welcome to Hell, here's your brass."

"What's the difference between a saxophone solo and a political debate? A political debate matters."

"How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to tell him he needs to get higher up."

"How many clarinet players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he'll take forever looking for the best lightbulb."

"What do you call 100 accordions under the sea? A good start."

"How do you tune two oboes? Shoot one."

"How do you get a guitar player to stop playing? Give him sheet music."

"So, a rock-star is done with his gig, and he walks out behind the building, hands a shady character a large sum of cash, and gets a small bag in return.

There's no joke here. He's a drug addict."
 

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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?? ..............A flat miner

What's the difference between a sewer pipe and a drum solo ?? ......................the sewer pipes' got an ending
 

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What do you call 11,567 guitars at the bottom of the sea?
A good start.

What' the difference between a drummer and a computer?
On a computer you punch the information in ONCE.

Bass player and guitarist having a back-stage punch-up.
Manager shows up and says to the bass player...what's going on here?
Bass player says the guitarist has de-tuned one of my strings.
Manager: Well tune it back up and get out there.
Bass player: He won't tell me which one.
cheers, Mark.
 
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