[Nefertiti]

I know this isn't the case but I'm just stating how I sometimes feel. Since 1995 I've had one thing after another going on health wise in my life:
Brain Tumor
Deaf in one ear from tumor surgery
Double Vision from tumor surgery
Bacterial Meningitis
Cancer
Brain Tumor again
Side affects from Radiation
Steven Johnson Syndrom(from medication they gave me for the side affects of Radiation)
Back Surgery
Bad Depression
Daily Bad Migraine Headaches(really bad for about 2 years)
Chronic Fatigue
Shunt(put in to relieve daily bad migraine headaches)
Bad headaches from shunt over draining
Hearing problems in other ear from ?
Constant muscle twitching all over my body for 3-4 months
Tendonitis

Two days ago I was finally starting to feel better from the Tendonitis in my arms. No pain. I felt pretty good and could practice! I think finally....I can get back to work. The next morning I wake up and I have diminished hearing in my good ear, I hear two tones for certain frequencies at the same time(my daughters talk in that frequency so it sounds like they are possessed because I hear two voices!) When I play a C Major scale on the piano the notes between E-G sound about a quarter step flat! I can't even listen to music because all music has notes in that range and it sounds like the chords are bad. This happened two years ago right after I got the shunt and lasted 3 weeks......I'm not as freaked out this time but my question is DOES THIS EVER END!!!!!!!!!! Just venting. I just want to play my sax, spend time with my family and be healthy. As it is now, everytime I get an ache or pain I think I'm dying or something or that's it's the next bad thing coming..... I turned 40 this year.

It's funny because I became a born again Christian years ago and my Dad brought up the point that I never had any problems until I did that.....(I'm not sure what his point is besides wanting me to come back to my original faith)

I feel better now. Thanks for listening. Steve

 

[Grumps]

Well, considering what you've been diagnosed with, and are still alive, I'd say you've been fortunate. That's another way to look at it.

 

[ZenBen]

Man, you've had a tough go of it. Through it all you've always been a very positive and suportive member of this site. I've read many of your posts and learned much from them. I had no idea (except for the deafness in one ear) of all that you've been through. Hang in there.

 

[Dr_sax]

Steve,
this is alot of stuff you went through and hopefully things will change to the better side for you. I always enjoy your postes and your website. Keep the fire burning!

 

[Reedsplinter]

Wow. Of everything on your list, I have suffered from only one, and that one of the more "minor" ones. And that all by itself was bad enough. Your resilience is incredible. Keep fighting.

 

[RootyTootoot]

Hmm.. and i was feeling quite down about my receding hairline..

Try Buddhism?

Seriously: it's wonderful that you maintain such a positive attitude generally and offer so much to other people through your teaching and music and the support you give here. Chin up!

 

[Nefertiti]

Grumps,
I know I'm fortunate and I know people that have died from some of the same things I have had. I try to be grateful. I think I just need a 6 months vacation from any bad health issues. Just a little break thats all. I know this is just life but it seems like it has been a lot harder to do what I want to do with these obstacles. Kind of frustrating.

 

[LampLight]

I'm so sorry that you've been through the wringer like this. To answer your question: I occasionally wonder if God has a different plan for my life than I do, but that doesn't mean God is against me. One thing's for sure: God put you in a place where you do a great deal for this community, which is very much appreciated and suggests that you must be doing something right. Think about all the light that you shine here.

If it is of some small comfort - and I only mention this since you are a born again Christian - bear in mind that bad things happen to good people for reasons we don't understand; Job is the role model than that.

Here's hoping things turn for the better in your life!

 

[ChuBerry47]

God does not hate you. Other people are so unthankful with their lives, and you are very blessed to be alive. When you hear someone complain about their life, explain to them everything that you have had to go through, and I am sure that that would change their minds. If God really Hated you, you would not be alive right now. You enjoy life don't you? I have been through homelessness, and deaths, and many other problems, but I just kept praying, and praying, and right now, I live in a very big nice house. We can afford food, we now have six kids, Five other brothers and sisters. But I realized that I still have love, no matter what I go through, and that is what matters. I have been to many countries, and I have actually seen with my own eyes, what God has done in the lives of many people. I have seen Miracles! I went to a little village in South America. There awas a boy in the village, who we took to a hospital, because he might have had to have his leg amputated, because it did not grow with his body since he was a baby, but it barely had blood in it still. We all gathered around and prayed, and I swear to you, it grew! And people have tried to tell me that God did not exist. Even Albert Einstein said that there had to be a creator. I am not trying to be rude, but you still have to look at the positive angles of everything. Think of your kids, and your family, and everything else. You have got through the situation so far as it is, and God even said in the Bible that he would never put you through something that you scould not handle. You are still alive. I would be rather be like Hellen Keller, than dead, if it still meant that I would be able to be with my family. Reach out, and be a witness to others.

 

[The Saxist]

Of your list, God caused none of it. God allowed all of it. To teach you, to humble you, to increase your faith, to get you to chat with him more. I have no doubt that now that you have a personal relationship with Christ, he will get your attention anyway he can. But that should lift you up, cuz the God of the Universe wants to spend some time with ya!!!:!:

God is in Control, Always!

 

[dagnabbit]

Given all that you've been through, Steve, I don't think anyone would blame you for feeling down. Here's hoping you get the good-health vacation that you most certainly deserve.

 

[Nefertiti]

Chu,
I didn't say I thought God hated me. I don't think or feel that. I just feel like I have certain plans and or goals in my life and almost every step of the way there are these health obstacles. It just seems like whoever is in control has different plans and reasons that are contrary to mine. I try to be surrendered to that and accept it but it's not easy. Throughout the Bible there are some pretty crazy things that happen to people God loves......Joseph, Moses,Job......Jesus. The list could go on.

 

[dirvin]

Steve,

After hearing your sound clips and checking out your books, I have to say that god doesn't hate you. Quite the opposite. He's blessed you with an incredible talent.

So take comfort in the fact that you have helped many of us become better players.

There's good and bad in the universe. It may not be god that is against you.

Hang in there



Dwayne

 

[Leon]

Steve, I want you to know that I really feel for you - not pity, but empathy. THough I have not been plagued like you (your litany sounds like the Book of Job) I have had brain surgery for an aneurysm of the connecting artery, and later developed a brain tumor, threw a clot that killed my pituitary gland and left me with no endocrine system, and have had to compensate by taking a lot of drugs, many of them steroids, that make me jittery and cranky and, well, I could go on. I mention this not to compare myself to you, becuase your health issues seem so much more on-going and discouraging and disabling, but only to demonstrate that my empathy is not entirely without experiential basis. I don't think God does these things to people and I hope you won't beat yourself up over it - that is, I don't think God is punishing you and I hope you don't punish yourself thinking it's your fault, the result of anything you did. It's hard to find anything positive in these situations that does not sound trite. A lot of people will pray for you, Steve. I will be one of them.

 

[DanSax64]

Nefertiti: everyone else has said more or less all of the things I could share with you. I just only wish to add that, doesn't matter what or what not your believing is, my prayer is for you, to be positive and to be strong.

If you ever consider a vacation trip up north to Toronto, Canada, our door is wide opened.

Hang in there dear friend. Miracle does happens...

 

[ChuBerry47]

Sorry, I meant to say against. Hope I did not offend you. I am not trying to be arrogant, but I know that I can play the sax pretty well, and what I have noticed about anyone who has a great tallent, is that they are different than everyone else, and that they struggle more than everybody else does through life, and they seem to have more obstacles than everyone else. I have been struggling with aspergers disorder, and ADHD. I always wonder why I have no friends, and why I like things that are different than what everybody else likes, but I am more thankful for the talent that God has given me, rather than to just hate myself, (not that I am implying that you hate yourself). I thank God everyday.

 

[fballatore]

Wow, Steve, I had no idea. You've been through so much more than one lifetime should hold. You've always been a great resource and contributor on SOTW. We love you here. Here's hoping that you get that much needed illness vacation, and let's hope it's more than 6 months worth!

Best,

Frank

 

[heath]

You will find no mellower person or people then those that have studied Buddhism. You don't have to believe in the religious aspects and of course Buddha was just a ordinary man like your or me. So really I look at it more as mind training more than anything else.

It won't change your physical problems, but it will allow you to accept them.

And you are lucky no matter how many problems you have. Many people respect you on this forum and you've accomplished a lot with your life so far. I know I'm enjoying your II V I major/minor book I bought from your site a few weeks ago.

It's unfortunate in many ways that being a musician is tied up to your physical well being. It takes feeling well to play well often or at least to enjoy playing, so I can certainly see how one could get very depressed when they've put their whole life into becoming a musician.

Good place to start for me when I had problems years ago was.
http://www.bswa.org/modules/mydownloads/

Listen to the Ajahn Brahmavamso on audio give his dhamma talks. He speaks about a lot of topics and I'm know there's topics on how to deal with being sick.
http://www.bswa.org/modules/mydownloads/viewcat.php?cid=4

 

[Billt4mn]

I know this isn't the case but I'm just stating how I sometimes feel.

You have my heartfelt admiration and sympathy, Steve. You've been given more challenges than most, but it seems you've survived admirably.
I'll try to be respectful of your beliefs. Starting with the premise that there's an all-powerful creator that cares about what happens to us does seem to set a person up for disappointment, however. If you don't want to go that far, maybe consider that God doesn't care about personal circumstances, but does care that you have what you need to handle them. That would allow for the belief in divine grace, anyway.
I don't imagine this helps much, but life is full or good/bad, sickness/health, luck/misfortune, etc. And there's no such thing as "fair". It's all fair because its all life. I don't know what created or sustains it, but that is what I believe it to be. The best we can do is to strive for acceptance (people of faith say, "Thy will be done"). That's my two cents worth, anyhow.

Best wishes in your struggles.

 

[Rackety Sax]

Wow, Steve, I had no idea. You've been through so much more than one lifetime should hold. You've always been a great resource and contributor on SOTW. We love you here. Here's hoping that you get that much needed illness vacation, and let's hope it's more than 6 months worth!

Best,

Frank

I can't say it any better thank Frank just did. It's amazing that you've been able to function at all let alone accomplish all that you have. I can't discuss the God angle since I'm an atheist, but I would like to add my voice to the chorus here wishing you much better health in the future.