Leaving the band??

[Bill Mecca]

It happens..:lol: just wondering how you did it, how did they react, reasons etc...

[danarsenault]

Some bands I left were happy to see me go - go figure! Must be my charming personality and tanned body of steel.

[gary]

Must be my charming personality and tanned body of steel.Ah, so you're the manly flute player with the buff chest on that other thread! Their loss indeed! :D

So Bill. And you're asking because....?

Hardly know where to begin, there's so much history to this one. I quit the big band I've been playing in for the last four years or so, first as lead alto and then as the solo tenor.

The bandleader is talented but not versatile, is chaotic and not very trustworthy. The repertoire was stale, practically no change in the four years I was in it. Also, he was always picking charts that were just beyond the reach of the band, so instead of being able to play through a large repertory over time, it was just unceasing rehearsals on the same old stuff. The singer mediocre with the stage personality of a slug. But I got plenty opportunity to solo (and I live to solo) and learned some stuff from the bandleader. Well, I quit but on the other hand, I don't like burning my bridges and I had a self-serving motive in keeping in good graces because I need a decent band to test my newest charts on.

Actually, there was more to it, including the band leader not once in four years turning the band over to me when he couldn't be there (I've only got about 30 years experience leading big bands) out of, from what colleagues tell me, nothing more than pure jealousy.

So what I told everyone was that the number of gigs the pop band I am in was picking up and I just needed to spend more time on that music and also couldn't afford the time spent at big band rehearsals. I told them it was nothing negative, just a matter of pure economics. Also, because I'm such a nice guy, I promised to let them have first shot at any charts I'm working on.

Nothing at all untrue...just packaged a little differently than saying "your an insecure, untrustworthy and unreliable twit and I've had it playing the same ole crap for the last four years." :)

[dpwadw]

...Nothing at all untrue...just packaged a little differently than saying "your an insecure, untrustworthy and unreliable twit and I've had it playing the same ole crap for the last four years." :)

:salute: :cheers: LOL...

the way I quit? total honesty.

I left a big band last year because they wanted to rehearse mostly, and rarely perform. I would rather not rehearse until right before the gig, and then rehearse intensively. But in times where nothing is on the schedule, spend time with family, other music projects etc.

So I said, "pros are expected to know their stuff, show up, sound check and Go! We're a community band and for most players that is too lofty of a goal. However all musicians could benefit from some elements of the pro-philosophy (expect more, get more). Players need to play out, and repeated reheasing of the same program without an outlet is killing the group's spirit. I have other projects that I need to devote time to."

They were not willing to change the format and so I opted out. I added that I would fill in for a missing sax player at gigs if they can notify me in good time. I left on good terms, however since then they have lost some more players (for the same reasons). It doesn't look good for them.

I feel partially responsible for their impending trouble. Sometimes you pay a price for honesty, but its usually worth it.

[SAXISMYAXE]

I've had band mates beg me to stay (literally), and a few escort me happily right out the door (which proceeded to hit me on the *** on the way out, so to speak), with everything in between. When it's time to go, it's time to go, regardless of hurt feelings etc.

Just give notice like a "real" desk job, and go from there. That's all you can do.

[hamilton]

The first band I was in my teacher had me come and sit in because he thought it would be good for me.(so I thought) after 4 rehearsals he asked me what I thought. I said I liked it and it was easy enough ( I was on 3rd trumpet, basic charts)He said good, now I can quit. He stood up at rehearsal and told everyone that I would be his replacement as he did not want to leave the band in a lurch, but he wanted no long goodbyes and he just left. Next week at my lesson he just said it was for personel reasons and he did not want to speak badly of the band if I was going to stay. I lasted a little over a year before I left also.

[groovesax]

Guess I'll approach it from the other end. I've been in the core of a group of friends that joined together. For the most part, we all really enjoy each others company as much as we like playing. Sometimes it's like a second family, for better or worse Stuff happens, and we've had our share of turnover. Basically we all agreed, that when it isn't fun anymore, it's time to move on. That's at a personal level. In my case, I feel like the fun still outweighs the unfun. For others, it has been different. Looking back on the people that have left, you get that empty feeling - you know, how are we going to survive without person X? I'm sure person X felt equally bad about leaving, but for them, the unfun was outweighing the fun. For some, I could completely understand why they left, for others it was kind of a mystery. But I'm sure for them, it was just the case of not getting out of it what they wanted.

The other thing I'll say is it's best to not burn the bridges. You never know when your attitudes and personal situation might change, and those that burn the bridges are loosing out on future opportunities. I've seen things end quite amicably as well as unexplicably. Amicable is always better for everyone.

Bill, the best thing to do is what's best for you period!

[Bill Mecca]

Now that its' over...where to begin. I started this band a few years back with an ad that clearly stated the goal was NOT to play out, but to find some guys with like interests and make some music, and maybe play out. I'm a Dad with 4 kids, a full time job, a couple part time pursuits (freelance voiceover work and video production) a house, yadda yadda yadda, I jsut don't have that much time. I know, a band leaders worst nightmare, so that is why I made my intentions and limited availability know from the get go. And no, it wasn't something that was going to change, I wasn';t blowing smoke, that was how it was and is. anyway. the drummer and I hooked up with a bass player and guitarist and we hit it off. Turns out the bass player was in another band that had some gigs lined up and their lead singer/guitarist left them in a lurch, so we filled in. that band morphed into Excellent Adventure. then they started playing out more under the name the Hillcrest Gang, that name too over. we had bookings for more than a year, once or twice a month. they got another sax player to fill in when I wasn't available.

but to be honest, the stress of trying to schedule things a year in advance, and a lack of communication with the band, jsut got to be too much. so I talked with them in early February, and told them that after the next gig I was done, it was going great, but it's not what I wanted, and they actually remember the ad I placed verbatim, so we were clear. they encouraged me to continue playing with them at this one venue we had booked once a month thru Dec. 06. they wanted to know at the next gig what my decision was. So i played that gig, no one except one guitarist asked me what I had decided. I told him, yeah I was gonna keep playing those gigs. So I figured I was covered.

Well a day or two later, they fired him. I happened to see they placed an ad for another guitarist, I reached out to the other guitarist via email he told me the reasons, but there was no discussion of my playing. A day or so ago I dropped him an email after being out of town for a couple days, and said unless something changed (more gigs or sub work) I would see him at the next gig in April.

Well... yesterday he called me. Apparently they have already scheduled the other sax player for all those gigs. they never asked me, never reached out, I had kept up my end and told one of them that night that I was going to continue playing with them, but that was teh guy they fired so I guess they never got the word. But you would think they would reach out to me before scheduling the other guy since they, in their reality, never got an answer from me, but nope. so I'm out.

I'm open to subbing for them and may even attend their next gig in my area, but not sure what I am going to do, maybe nothing, maybe hit the shed harder, solo, duo, trio??? I dunno, but whatever it will be very very very part time (there is a rush playing for a live audience).

so what does this mean to you? COMMUNICATE!!! if somethings bugging you tell them, if you're happy tell them, if their shoes are untied... nah, let em trip :lol: this was a communication breakdown. I shoudl have made sure they all got my message, my fault I didn't, but they should have communicated to me, but... that is part of the issue I had, what started out as great communication early on, waned. they didn't answer emails (with my schedule email is my prefereed communication method) no calls, nothing. I felt like and outsider, and some of that was self imposed because of my limited availability, but if there were my "friends" like they claim to be, they why no communication. I felt the underlying current and that is why this is for the best. I wish them well, and am pretty certain i will never get called to sub, but I left it on good terms with them. and I do appreciate the call last night and told him so, he did take action once he realized something was wrong, but it was a bit too little a bit too late.

whew... that is a load off my mind... as a wise man once told me... "you be my friend you do me a favor, if you're not my friend you do me two...." kinda cryptic but if you think about it it makes sense.

Rock on !!

[JL]

Bill I hear ya, commincation is always an issue in a band. We're on the verge of firing our drummer, for a whole bunch of reasons I won't go into here. It would be better if he would just leave on his own, but if that doesn't happen we'll have to give him notice. I hate this kind of thing, but I guess it happens all the time.

Anyway, back to your situation, are there any jam sessions in your area? I know a lot of musicians with kids, jobs, other commitments, who want to play but can't commit to a full-time band so they show up at jam sessions when they can get the time. This is one way to keep playing and stay in the game. You'll also make contacts that might lead to a band in the future when you have more time. Just something to consider.

[Bill Mecca]

JL,

Thanks. yeah, I don't know if there are any jams here in the burbs...;) I will have to look around a bit. for the moment though, just taking my time and relaxing into it.

only real bummer is I had a videographer set to shoot some tape of me for a video project I have brewing, but he had to cancel out last time, and now there is no next time, at least at the moment.:(

[LoVeTheBlues]

Bill, I have a catch 22 situation here........less than 2 years ago I had to move do to my wifes job promotion, so I had to leave my jazz quartet, which was pretty hard. Now the situation is happening all over again. The wife is putting in for promotions and we are looking at another move, but there is no way to know if she will get them. So I am in limbo, and to break the news to the guys, when I don't know what will happen, is going to be hard. My band Joey Fusion has reformed and we are making plans to record and gig,...... and my rock bands would hate to hear the news. Anyway, the guys I play with up here are like family, so a move would be bad news for all.(I'm the only rock saxist around here)

anyway, if you have any ideas for the time I'm camping down your way, let me know.GREG

[Bill Mecca]

Greg,

communication is key. gee I think I heard that before. just lay it out to them now, tell them what is going on, you don't know what will happen, and will keep them in the loop. You can't go wrong if you're honest about it.

now if you move the Jersey.....;)

[Saxn]

I could vent on the communication issue all DAY, but let me just say that Bill... I feel your pain. Currently trying to get a trio together and having to deal with college KIDS that absolutely refuse to communicate. Very nearly to the point of letting it drop before it ever gets off the ground. Jang in there and best of luck in finding somewhere to play.

[olpinkeyes]

I went for the honesty ticket - in no uncertain terms.

I'd joined a wind band that had its roots in brass. In fact most of our arrangements were brass band arrangements left over from the days when they were a brass band. I played clarinet at the time. They were pretty mediocre, about one concert a year, if that, and even then we had more in the band than the audience. I was a beginner at the time, though, so it didn't bother me that much.

Then people began to leave and we found ourselves unable to retain newbies. I don't think all of this was down to our lack of ability. I wasn't the only one who'd noticed the way the secretary/treasurer/alto player (Mr Grumpy) laid the law down to people on their very first week: you have to be committed, you have to get here on time, you have to take it seriously etc etc - this was often to kids of eleven and twelve. Anyhow, because my friend and I had come up with some good ideas in the past, we were elected onto the committee in order to inject some new life into the band and put the ideas on a more formal setting. Only when we suggested ploughing some of our not inconsiderable funds into new music, maybe switch the lineup a little in order that we could play out some, we were told a) we can't afford it, and b) "this isn't a band that does gigs. If you want to do gigs then you're in the wrong band." I mean, come on!

Anyway, the upshot was, after I found out a few unsavoury facts about said Mr Grumpy's past business dealings, and saw the way he treated people (like at a mutual colleague's funeral, he totally cold-shouldered my hubby, who'd left the band previously), I decided enough was enough, especially since I'd been introduced to my current band. I wrote him a long letter telling him exactly what I knew and what I thought of his attitude to people, and copied it to every member of the committee. My friend still doesn't know exactly what happened after that, but the band (what was left of it) folded six weeks later. This all happened about five years ago. Apparently Mr Grumpy is still advertising locally for musicians to form a band with him - no one seems interested, funnily enough. I would ask him to come and join my lot, but I don't think he could stand the idea of anyone else being in charge. ;)

[Bobby K from NJ]

I've got a related conundrum. I'm playing in three bands, writing all the horn charts in each one, and I think I'm overcommitted. I've got a full-time job with an hour commute, a family and kids, too. So which band do I leave?

One is a bar band I've been playing with for four years or so. We mostly play classic soul stuff (Otis Redding, Wilson Pickett); music that I like playing and listening to. Three-piece horn section for most gigs, five-piece when we're at a bigger venue. I'm the main horn soloist. We've had a lot of turnover in the last year or so in the rhythm section -- three guys have left. So, we haven't been adding much new material lately -- the rehearsals we've had have been to get the new guys up to speed, and we haven't really had many rehearsals lately, anyway. It's getting a little stale playing the same stuff all the time. We often play out twice a month, including a regular gig at a pretty cool bar. Usually don't make much money at all; if we get $100 apiece it's a big deal. Sometimes I'll turn a gig down and get a sub, and they don't have a problem with this. The three new members of the band are not up to the same level of musicianship as the old guys. Two of the guys got fired, which were big mistakes, if you ask me, and one of the two, I think, was one of the best musicians in the band; funny guy, good hang, a guy I considered a good friend. Another guy in the horn section -- another guy I considered a good friend -- left 'cause he thought that firing that dude was, like, cold.

OK, band number two: A wedding band - catering hall band I've been playing with for about three years. This band plays a lot of disco. The standout here is the female vocalist, who's really good. We don't get a lot of jobs -- maybe once a month, and two rehearsals a month, but it's all sporatic. This band pays OK -- it's not unusual to get $250 for a gig. I don't mind playing the disco stuff, although I don't really dig that music myself. This kinda stuff often gets people up dancing, which always makes it fun. Rehearsals with these guys are a 40 minute drive away for me. Band no. 1 is real close by.

Band number three: Doesn't get much work; a gig once a month or less, but rehearsals every week. I just started with them in January. I do a lot of my horn arrangements on my laptop on my commute. I knew these guys could use charts, and the other two bands weren't giving me much work in this way. I'm having fun working on the charts, but, of course, I'm not getting paid for them. This is, like, a hobby band, but the musicians are all really pretty good, a couple with impressive pro experience. These guys play some edgier rock stuff -- some Steely Dan, some originals, covers of tunes people haven't really heard much. A nice bunch of people -- I don't think they've fired a lot of their members lately -- a good hang, also close by. They've got a nice gig coming up this month at a venue that's a hair classier than band no. 1 usually plays.

Part of my problem with playing with these bands is that I haven't been practicing much at all. Working on the horn charts and going to one or two rehearsals a week is about it. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking I'd really like to work on my sightreading and soloing skills. My sightreading is not very good at all, but since I write all the charts for these bands, it doesn't much matter. I wish I could be in a position where I could slide into a different band, or an occasional sub call, where I could make decent money, and I can't see this happening without learning how to sightread really well.

In addition to this, another voice in my head is telling me I should be doing something else with music, really. Like playing music with my 12-year old son. He's been playing bass for almost two years now, and he's gotten to the point where he can read lead sheets for standards, while I play the head, blow a chorus or two, and then take it out. It's a lot of fun playing with him. (He's also got a little four-piece thing going with some friends doing classic rock and new indy stuff, which I've helped coach a little.) If I were able to make time for it, playing with him would be a good way for me to woodshed my reading skills and solo skills, and also hang out with my son!

Then the other musical opportunity I feel like I should take advantage of is the local community big band -- I think I might be able to join up with them; I know the folks who are running the band. This would be another opportunity for me to improve my sightreading skills and also get experience working in another context -- one I don't have any experience with, actually.

All right. A long post. Thanks to anybody who takes the time to read it and offer any thoughts!

[Bill Mecca]

Geez, bobbyK do I know you? Toms River area? we may have spoken a couple years ago about a horn section?

anyway, the most I made a night with that last band was $57 a man...$400 split 7 ways don't go far.

[Bobby K from NJ]

No, must be another Bobby K from NJ. I'm in North Jersey. I have played with band no. 1 in Tom's River, though, a couple of times, McIntyre's. Gotta tell ya, it was always a thrill to see the band's name on that KMart marquee in that shopping mall.

[Saxn]

Well, just my .02 and brief, but if you have a full-time day job and don't need the loot then go for two that are the most FUN, man!

Greg

[Daktion]

man bobby... u got quite a bit of stuff on your plate. Like Saxn said, if you dont need the money, go for the fun. I think you should pick 2 bands that will work / challenge you differently.

[olpinkeyes]

Bobby K, for what it's worth, I think you are over committed. I won't presume to tell you where to make the cuts, though. I think for that you'll have to go with your gut instincts.

It's maybe different for me, because I don't get paid for what I do, I only play for enjoyment, so I don't have that decision to make. However, I experienced a similar dilemma just before Christmas. Our band has 3 sections - beginner, intermediate and senior/concert. After joining Intermediate, I was asked if I'd mind helping out with beginners - mainly kids and nice ones at that. A couple of years ago I was also asked if I could supplement Senior band in the horn department. Since they do around a dozen gigs a year, I accepted. By last autumn it was all getting a bit much, and since beginners were having two new co-directors (both v. familiar with the band), I stepped down. I've also stepped down from senior band and told the director, very honestly, that it was just too much (I didn't tell her that I think some of the musicians take themselves far too seriously for a community band and that I think intermediate play to a higher performance standard). No aggro, all very friendly, I'm still on the joint bands committee and still dep for them occasionally.

Looking at this from another side, our much loved and respected intermediate director left us at Christmas. This was also due to over commitment - he teaches flute full time and is director to two junior brass bands (his first love) as well as ours. Since he'd been with us the shortest time he had to give us the short straw. Again, no bitterness and he's promised to come back and dep for us if we need him.

So Bobby, just take some time to weigh up your priorities and be honest with the band you do have to disappoint. 8-)